Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Fathers DAy., patience, Enjoying the process
The silent, steady pace of the fan is humming in the background like a brand new whisperjet. The room is peaceful. I have been working on it for several weeks now. The advances in achieving comfortability in the room seem to come when I have progressed, to some degree, in climbing to another internal plateau.
Almost two weeks ago, I stood at the foot of my mother's bed. She looked at me and asked me if I had grown some. It was not the question of a person who was suffering of dementia. On the surface it would appear that way. It was a statement of perception, of her perspective of me. Immediately I knew that to be the case.
I looked into the mirror and, of course, I had not grown, physically, but at the same time I felt an increase in my overall stature and presence. Yes, I had grown a great deal. I took a second to absorb the distance that I had come and quitely envisioned where I was going and the path that would enable me to achieve even more growth.
While standing there, I saw a picture of my father stuck in the mirror. My father and mother were divorced two decades ago and just the mention of my father would induce a sudden anger in my mother. For years, I would fight with my mother when she would try and say negative things about him. It was difficult. I may have seemed callous to her. I knew she needed to get her anger out but he was my father and I could not stand to let her vent about him with me.
Seeing my father's picture in the mirror was symbolic of the peace that she had attained before this adventure started. After years of struggling, we both conquered some demons. We both conquered our respected demons in our own separate efforts. It was not until late in the process that we began to see what eachother was doing and made our adjustments to facilitate the successful completion of the process for eachother. We became less selfish. We learned about eachother while we learning about ourselves.
I do not know if the picture was put on the mirror by my sister as I did not ask anyone. The clear fact that it remained was indicative of so many things. When I started discarding things in the house, just like I have been doing here, my goal was to make the house a home. My sister took up where I left off and has done an amazing job of refurbishing the house and redecorating it. it is a warm and refreshing environment. My sister's accomplishment indeed was the completion of what I started. She was able to turn an unhealthy house, into a very pleasant healthy home. What she had done far exceeded anything I could have come close in doing.
The picture of my father was the final touch as it may me feel that the family was back together again and in many ways it was. In the most abstract of ways, we were close, healing and growing as a unit.
I think of my father every day but that picture stayed in my heart and walked with me every day for the past 10 days. I am in a development mode and my father made sure that I experienced a balanced development process. I grew to be well rounded and was exposed to many, different aspects of life. They were as diverse and varied as they were plentiful. He and my mother encouraged me to see and do as much as I could.
My growth in many ways has not been balanced over the last few months. There were certain realities that did not facilitate balanced growth. I had to concentrate every waking moment on securing employment. Once that was done I had to begin the process of climbing to the next plateau and, for me, that meant doing everything I could do to search for another job. That meant I had to develop an information management system as well as an effective communication system, given my constraints.
I was growing but I was not managing my growth very well. I recognized the need for adjustment but was not ready to adjust quickly upon recognizing the need to do so. I had to clear away more baggage; whatever was instilled at whatever level that was preventing sustained mangagement at each incremental level of growth.
Each time I would make an adjustment to operate efficiently, I would revert back to a certain level of clutter and inefficiency. I did not lose all of my progress. However, whatever internal system failures that were in me had to be fixed in order for me to progress. Mental clutter had to be eradicated in order to clear out the debris physically. Increased level of discipline in work habits had to be achieved in order to manifest a sustained fluidity in operations in order to develop a pleasant and smooth environment for consistent development and continued, balanced growth.
I made the appropriate acquisitions. I bought push up bars for fitness. I bought the blender for healthy consumption of fruit drinks. I boughgt a fan for comfort in the increasing heat. I could not use them consistently because my self management skills were not solidified enough.
I kept working on it, focusing in at every level but I kept pushing. Two steps forward, one step back. Three steps forward and one step back.
I obtained the computer. It enabled me to access more information, explore and access more people. I could communicate with people from my past with whom I lost touch. I could investigate new interests. All of this was in the growth process but I felt something was wrong. I was not capable of responding immediately to opportunities. I thought something was wrong.
I realized that I could not progress in pursuit of opportunities until progressed across the board. Subconsciously there was a need for that. And my behavior was gravitating to it slowly in my own way. It was natural to experience an information overload when I obtained this new tool. however my interests were scattered and it was reflected in the diversity of my bookmarked pages. No partitioning. No folders. No management.
I joined a couple of networking groups. That took time to see what worked and what different, especially with the constant inflow of information.
There was some concern that my blogging was not as consistent as it had been but I could not force it. I spoke to a literary agent and he told me. "Work slowly and carefully. Good writing can not be rushed."
And that is the key to everything. Work methodically and carefully on every front.
I went to MacArthur Park and it was a natural progression of my unconsious pursuit of balance. The first time I did something different as I remember was going to Echo Park when I was six years old. I sent off for some fishing equipment after seeing a coupon in a box of cereal. We went fishing there. It was my first time at the lake and it was a whole new world. I even caught a fish. Actually the fish caught me. The hook was not in the mouth of the fish. It was in the side of its body. Apparently the fish swam by and the hook somehow was got embedded in its body.
Better to have luck than skill.
I remembered that trip when I saw my father's picture on the wall at the house.
I also remembered all of my friends, or and new and what they have taught me over the years. They all had one thing in common. They all had great management systems.
They were methodical, consistent and steady in their approach to life. Their work habits were exemplary and their work ethic to perfect their work habits was an example of sustained focus and were on a standard of their own.
At some point I realized that it was not only ok to take my time. It was paramount.
I had to gain equilibrium and balance in all areas. Otherwise I would be in a state of anomie and in that state one area of phenomenal development is not complimented by an equal level of development in other areas. When that occurs a recipe for disaster is born.
There is no need to rush out like a jack rabbit and obtain information for opportunities if I can not store it, retrieve it and respond to it with dispatch. It just presents chaoes and feelings of inadequacy.
Developming slowly and carefully is the trick. I have found that I have developed certain traits slowly and thoroughly and only now am I able to integrate them to maximum potential in a product system. In developing each skill, talent or behavior it to the best of my ability it lends itself to a greater chance to discover creative, innovative ways to improve and improvise--creating greater economics of scale.
Researching out to friends, resolving issues--stopping the jack rabbit rush to success was vital. I am started out slowly and I am developing my stride naturally, concentrating on the basics. In time the stride lengthens naturally and greater productivity and the rate of increase in productivity occur without effort.
An athlete performs best when his actions are effortless and he is relaxed.
That is what I have learned to concentrate on and the process is fun in and of itself. There are times when I learn. There are times when I experience growth. There are times when I experience a perception and self perception shift. However it comes from concentrating on the process and not trying to jack rabbit towards success.
As a father told me earlier today, "When you get there Walter, your arrival will be on a strong foundation on each and every layer. You will have balance and will not sink in your own quicksand in your haste to get somewhere."
I have endeavored to concentrate on the things that I have heard throughout the years.
"just imagine or envision yourself being there and you will gravitate to that goal naturally." Tha is what is occuring. Where there is no balance, my internal system directs me to concentrate on the areas where there is a deficit in development, vis a vis other relevant categories.
Too much job searching, not enough filing. Too much pushing forward not enough timely efficient follow through. 70% overall approval, not 95%. You want to get out of the area explore out of the area. Do something different.
You miss your friends, contact them. Everything can be accomplished. How bad do you want it. I ask myself these questions everyday.
I am a senior in the Skid Row curriculum. The more I concentrate on my all around development, the faster I will integrate and create an opportunity. Being a senior, I tell others now the things that I learned that have carried me through. Some of these things I learned and accepted grudgingly but they are now a part of my character--Focus and patience.Without those, one will not achieve. While in Skid Row, the highest degrees of both are required. I tell sharp young women not to sell drugs for men hiding in the dark. "You are smarter than you think. You have no idea how smart you are. Don't risk your life to please others." I like my role. I relish it. I learn more from it as I discover more in this process of achievement.
I think all of the fathers for teaching me: every father that I have known. I have not lost sight of the contribution of mothers. But this was FAther's Day weekend
and the words of many fathers have echoed daily in my soul for a long time. Their efforts are now yielding fruit.
That boat trip I took marked another end