I can not go to sleep. I have not slept in going on 36 hours. I dont know why. I just can not seem to close my eyes. I believe the excitement of being able to be so much more productive has gotten me so wound up.
I find that I am planning and learning ways to become more efficient and organized so that I can spend time not only searching for opportunities but studying the many things to learn out there.
Last night I read quite a lot about the International Space Station project and watched real live footage of the D Day landing. there is so much good information about things.
I guess it really comes down to devlopment. And slowly, I am letting go of the worry that something is going to happen to me to lose my job. There is a person who gives everyone a hard way to go with whom I work. He does not work for the company but he calls himself being the eyes and ears for the boss. He is actually causing a lot of problems. Every day we walk in and this guy makes up more and more stories about what is going on at work. It got so ludicrous that now we do not have to worry about our boss believing him. If he has not already, he will lose his credibility shortly.
Do you remember how I talked about abormalities. Well, it was abnormal for me to work at a job without worries, though I strived for it in the past. I am conditioned to worry. I am shedding that behavior pattern. One of the main reasons is that I am not doing any cocaine. Doing something like that tends to leave something on someone's mind. It is like always looking over one's shoulder.
You become used to it. It is a terrible feeling but you think it is normal. The more you get away from it, the more something else comes along that allows you to continue the behavior. Usually it is a compound behavior.
For instance. A man has promised to help me with the taxes. I took his direction immediately and filed for my taxes. At that time, a cluster of breakthroughs were occuring for me. I did as I was directed and put something behind me. Created a new behavior, filing taxes on time.
However, I still had years of back taxes to worry about. he told me to sign some papers. I saw all of the acronyms on the sheet and procrastinated. More things were piled on my plate and I kept shoving this little task aside. THAT, in and of itself, has always been an old habit. THAT creates the second habit, to worry about what has not been done.
EVen though it was halfway done, I did not complete it. I was not ready to give up the prison that I already knew to the new freedom that awaited me. I had something to worry about. A subtle illness that I have been battling for years. I was used to it.
However, I have had a primal drive for freedom for years, and the more I experience, the more I want. The freedom of blogging right here in the middle of the night to you is a beautiful feeling.
I actually thought I had mailed the papers in but realized after searching that they remained burried under a pile of other things.
Now, however, the drive for freedom is greater than the lack of will to break out of the prison of the known quantity. So I rush the papers to the gentleman.
I did not fill them in. I noticed that I signed them and that was enough. They could type them in and they would look more professional. that was probably what he wanted anyway. I just could not see it.
that type of scenario occurs every day. only most people do not recognize and change the behavior pattern. AS you progress, the affliction becomes more subtle and one would not recognize how embedded and transferable the behavior is and that it can manifest itself in many forms, like malignant cells.
I am so glad I took the time to monitor myself when I was triathlon training.
That is where I discovered all of this. That is why I was able to make the permanent breakthrough.
I just was not ready, to let go and move on and not worry about something that has been a source of worry for so long. However, I finally did let go.
That is characteristic of this phase. I am dealing with the wreckage of my past and doing what it takes to put it behind me and free me in so many ways. I just realized that doing so frees up that space within so I can put something in there. something can be absorbed. maybe some knowledge. maybe a way of being. Maybe something can pop up that is not blocked that will be an idea or a solution for something.
The more I realize this, the more eager I am to clear the debris. It is interesting how the more that happens, the more I begin to move forward in ways of development.
I called this place the University of Skid Row. At universities, people learn. However, people also develop. It is a subtle but very distinct difference. I am finding that now I am beginning to clear enough debris, to naturally flow through to the development phases.
No matter how hard I tried, when I APPEARED to be normal and healthy, I could never progress. To much was on my mind and weighing me down. I was in invisible handcuffs.
It is clear that this blog is going to evolve from a man talking about what he learns and observes while struggling in Skid Row, but also how he evolves and develops, step by step while here. I said that Skid Row is a mirror of society.
Well I think that what I am experiencing must be the same path that others before me have experienced as they heal themselves from whatever to develop into whatever they want to develop into.
And that is what I find so important. HOw bad do you want it? That means so much. How bad do you really want whatever it is you say you want to not let anything stop you.