Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Freedom Train

There are few times that I know what I will say on my blog. Tonight is a night where I had no idea what I was going to say.

I started working and things are changing. However, the challenges remain. They are different and they vary as the areas of concern and more and more complexed.
the stakes are higher. Everything is within reach and everything takes so much more work. Some things are uncertain and the unknowns are there until things are done.

I told you about Gilbert and his fight for his green card. I use that story to fight and continue to get my real estate broker's license. I called to purchase my courses today. However they said we will do it tomorrow. I worry about getting the license. Everyone says no problem but I have learned, that nothing is certain until it is in my hand. I was offered a job once but it was rescinded. I learned from that. It was nothing they could do but it taught me to not count on anything until it is done COMPLETELY.

You learn how to compartmentalize things because if you do not you become overwhelmed. The collective tasks seem insurmountable. You learn to recognize those characteristics. When you do, you focus on putting one foot in front of the other again. You forgot about the various mountains to climb. You worry about not stepping on a rock and falling on your way up.

I saw a man today. He slept across from me seven months ago. Now he is in the streets, unfocused. "What happened Frank", I asked him. "Challenges came my way and I did not handle them well. I forgot the basics." He is further back than where he was when I first met him.

At each stage challenges come. At each stage is where you find out how much you really want freedom or do you succomb to the familiarity of whatever prision you are in. It could be alcohol, drugs or a relationship. It could be anything. You see it all in Central City East, Skid Row.

You learn to tighten up and continue to plunge in because at one point time will elapse and the components of the situation will change. They will change before you even know it. Just don't look at the mountain. Concentrate on the steps.

Each day I try to something new. I went to a City Hall Council meeting yesterday.
I organized my systems more this morning. Anything and everything to propel myself to the new level.

It requires that you get deeper into yourself. Alot of people do not want that. Alot of people can not go through the process of getting accustomed to being with oneself. They seek out distractions. People. a woman. a drink. a joint. a snort .
a needle.

The pressure of freedom was too much to handle.

That is what I study at this point. The process of freedom.
There are many different types of freedom and many different stages of freedom. You have to study it all to grow and benefit from all of its colors.

Some can not take it. They wither on the vine. Some get stronger. You just keep concentrating on the steps to the mountain top.

You look around and see where you are and you see so few that were with you when you started. The computer instructor mentioned that today. He went through the same process.

It is at the point where you can look at someone who you have known for a while who is still in the trenches with you and you don't have to explain things. You know what the person is feeling. You know the aches, you know the necessities of action.
You also know the necessities of feeling it takes to move forward. The necessities are varied and many. You must find the correct flavor and taste it, and enjoy the magic it brings in the process.

You stay tight. You march harder. You clean up and dust instead of just cleaning up. You cross the t's and dot the i's, not just dot the i's. One step further. One more level of detail. Now that you have harnessed what it takes you push the envelope. You push yourself to the limit.

It is like when you start running. Everyone knows that the struggle to get through the first lap. They do that a few times and move on to the next lap. You feel like you are about to die. I felt I was about to die this time last year.
Then you go the first mile. You struggle to get used to it. then you go the second mile. You wonder how you ever made it. then one day you go the third and you do not stop. You do not feel tired. Instead, each step you get stronger and you keep running and you want to see how far you can go. You push yourself and after a period of time you look up and see that your level of standards have increased exponentially.

I told you before that a few people stayed around Skid Row. Some stayed voluntarily, others did not. But that group formed a nucleus of a structured, enduring community.Since that time, things have changed. Some of those people have evaporated. They crumbled when the air of freedom became to thin for them to breath.
And yet when I family rose my head up to see what was around me, I notice that those who have remained are more fierce and tenacious. We are beginning to increase our stride with ourselves and our PURPOSE.

We are plunging ahead and we are making progress. We are even making progress when we do not believe we are and we recognize that. It is all in the details.

Tomorrow I go to the probation office near my mom's house. A year ago I would have died just having to leavea the area and return down here. I would have died being near my mom and not being able to see her.

Tomorrow I wont think about it. I will do what needs to be done and then come back and register for my continuing education class. I have work to do. I am on the freedom train. I want to know what the next stop looks like.

Good night world. I love you



The computer

My sister emails me and wants me to do something. I struggle to not look negatively on it. I had to fight a whole year to not assume the worst at a time when everyone was baiting me and pushing me to assume the worst. It was horrible.

I must see a new probation officer tomorrow. She is unreasonable and I must get through the experience and not let her bother me because my eye is on prizes not on the obstacles that are in the way.

I brought my head above the surface, as I told you last week, to see where I was and figure out what I have to do. Now I am plunged back in and beginning to navigate myself through this phase. In this phase there are many journeys, horizontal in variations but all must go the same way. they must have a successful journey in their respective requirements.

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