Friday, October 26, 2007

A little about alot of things. Emotions, feelings.

This was the first week after the rescinded offer. I am not dwelling on it. It is a "time mark". It is an "experience mark" and a"perspective" mark as well. '

Alot has happened since last week. I found out my sister lived not too far from here. For a moment, it had
comforting feeling. It passed quickly as I am not sure if she is a loyal sister and an adversary. I know she believes some things that did not happen. Sometimes I believe she wants to believe the worse when it comes to her older brother.

I found out one of my best friends does not wish to speak to me. I know longer have to wonder about that. The person who told me told me that that can change in time. Maybe, maybe not.

I went to a Mayor's lecture and reception. It was a new experience. Afterward the reception, I met someone for whom I would want to work. I have thought about it for years when I was still abusing substances. At that time, it may have been easier as I would not have to explain certain things. Yet, I feel comfortable in explaining things. I know I am very qualified in real estate in general and in his specialty in particular but you never know how things develop. Lots of twists and turns in Recovery Road.

I went on a ride along in a police Black and White. It was very impromptu. My City
attorney friend was in the car, called me on my phone and asked me to join them. The officer was sincere in his curiosity. He was compassionate. He sees suffering every day. He wanted to know certain things. He wants to know things that can help him and his officers understand the forces that bring people here to Skid Row. If you understand those forces, you can communicate better and avoid controversy.

He asked me to speak to his officers. I was surprised. I was honored. Nobody knows about the behind the scenes activites of people like that. The officer even signed a petition to keep a store open at fifth and San Pedro. It is on the Southeast corner. The Assistant City Attorney signed it as well. They signed as citizens concerned for the community. Their work brings them to the community. Some would believe that they are not a part of the community. However, they are. Not only are they a part of the community, these men influence what goes on in the community. It is important that those who walk the streets and those that live in the missions and SRO hotels understand that we need them. They need us. They need to acquire information that can help them be effective in their jobs. Skid Row is different than any other place in this country. We, who are living here, do not have all of the answers. The counselors and the officers and the city officials do not have all of the answers. Together we can find them. TOGETHER WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL.
Excuse me for getting emotional there. I am very passionate about communication. I believe part of the reason I am down here is because my family did not communicate with eachother and that festered into gross misunderstanding and catastrophy. It makes me sick and I see the seeds of catastrophy in this Skid Row situation. I also see the seeds and sprouts of communication coming through the ground. I just want to keep the seeds out of the "communication garden", as small as it is. Let us expand the garden and see what fruit comes out of it.

It is 9:12AM. I am sitting in the employment agency computer room. I am sitting next door to a potential job opportunity but it will be for someone else. I wish they would reconsider me but that is too much to hope for. I just picked up the phone and called my city attorney friend. "Can I call you back, Walter? " he asks.
"Absolutely," I respond.
"How are you?". He asks that question each time I speak to him. His concern damn near jumps out of the computer. Each day his concern shows more and more. He is concerned that time will run out and I may give up. He is concerned that I may relapse. Well, I shall not do that to myself. I shall not do that to my family. I shall not do that to him. I made a vow to myself. I made a vow to my mother. I made a vow to my friend that just talked to me on the phone. I shall not break that vow.

There is someone else to whom a made a sacred vow. Robert F. Kennedy. He wrote my mother 5 days before he was shot. I found the letter while cleaning the house out just before I went to jail. I will expand on that later. But there is one thing I can say. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. inspired me. He vowed that he would never do heroin again to his wife once she told him that it effected his family. He listened to her and he vowed that he never would again. He never did heroin again. I have always admired that. I met RFK Jr. in a Harvard University dormitory when I went back east on a college recruitment trip. More on that later. More on the vow later. The bottom line is, if he can do it, I can do it. Alot of people talked of his heroin usage. It is amazing that he is alive after all that he went through. The press should have focused on the fact that he stopped using it. Maybe that focused might have helped others to stop.

I wonder why I have been able to meet these people. the city attorney. the police officer. the developer.
the number one blogger in downtown Los angeles. the council woman of the district. All of this has happened within one month. I wonder what will come of all of this.

I wondered last night as I laid in the dark and struggled with my emotions. I wondered what my mom was doing. I wondered what Pat was doing. Pat was a woman who was in a program on Skid Row. Pat never had a job and she had the courage to try to change her life. She went through the Strive education program.
she grinned with delight each time she learned something on the computer. She began to look for a job.
She came to this very agency where I am sitting. She was coming here when I was too traumatized and scared to venture out into the world. She came here, at Chrysalis, to look for work while I sat in my bunker, the guard shack, at the facility where we lived. She went out everyday. she was rejected everyday. She could not hang on. Each day the streets and the success she had in the streets was making headway in pulling her back in. She thought she would never make it in the "normal" world. She began to believe the "normal" world would never have her. She was so good. She was so versatile. She was so warm and positive. She had administrative talent and communication skills.

She gave up. She went back to the streets. She experienced one rejection too much. My city attorney friend
prays that I hang in there. I will not ever do drugs. I am hoping I do not give up on reuniting with my family.

I found out that people commit suicide alot down here because of the things they did during their drug career.
I learned a term called "survival sex". People have done alot of that I hear, men and women. Many times it called for same sex encounters. Evidently it confused them and they felt great shame. They could not live with the shame and/or doubts. They ended the pain.

I have pain. I have pain every day. My source is not the same as those about whom I just talked, but I have pain. It is a struggle. It is more of a struggle to reconcile the rescinding of an offer than not to ever have the offer. "What could have been?" I ask myself. "What will be?" I ask myself.

I wonder if I can put together a Skid Row recovery chat room and a Skid Row Community discussion chat room , will it make a difference in peoples lives. I have wanted to make a downtown chat website. The website would have different links for different discussions that concern downtown. Recovery is a big part of downtown. Art. Real estate. Socializing. THERE WOULD BE NO ROBOTIC ADVERTISEMENTS ABOUT MEETING HOT SINGLE WOMEN. IT WILL NOT BE A SEX SHOP. It would be another tool to build a community and a forum for discussion on issues that affect downtown.

I can not hold it in any longer. If someone else says , hey that is a good Idea, then run with it. I can not put it together. I have no capital. I would have used my job money to do so. I would have used my job money to renew my real estate broker's license and maybe make a deal and use that money to start that. That does not seem to be happening. If someone wants to do it. Go for it. I am sure I am not the only one to think about it.

I have alot more ideas. I just need help to implement them. It is frustrating this morning. I thought I might learn how to use the link function on my blog. I read the instructions. (laughing. I think it will take more time. It looks confusing. )

I have to tear away from this computer. It is 10:00AM. I need to get more organized. I need to make some calls and maybe do a day job to make some money and purchase a pair of dockers and cheap slip on shoes so I can look like someone who can fit in to the work world. I must thank the new friends I have met who have not excluded me because of my dress. It is nice to know that in the city of superficial values, there are those that look beyond superficial things. A woman said that she knows there is something good inside of me.
I will carry that with me today.

Good morning , world, I love you.

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