Saturday, October 27, 2007

Questions to ponder and encouragement

Wow. I did not know what I was going to write about. I was going to continue on with my own therapy until I saw the comments on Central Citye's blog.

I sat one night at Pete's Cafe. I sat one night at Banquette. I did not go there to drink and eat. I have history of frequenting those kind of places though that is no more at this time.

I was starving for conversation, not the food or drink. I was offered a drink on several occasions at the banquette. I declined several times. Finally, I accepted a coke. Back east there was a place like that.

I used to go all of the time. I do not know the protocol if one does not have money. I would imagine that one thing is the patrons would not want to feel you are there to only be sponge, That there company is the priority.

I will ask them about that when I see them again. "Anonymous" clearly has some deep feelings about it.

I believe they are valid concerns that should be discussed in open forum.

"Is it ok to visit friends and talk without having them feel obligated to offer a drink because they think it could be rude to drink in front of you?" . I would not want them to feel as if they should offer me something.

It can be awkward. I have experienced those awkward moments and have seen others experience them as well.

A woman walked up to a table where I sat and asked for change. She was polite. I saw her come by on the previous evening when I was there. She left with no change. I felt uncomfortable because I understood her need for money. I also had no money and I had a soft drink because of the generosity of some one else. I had never been in that position. I felt this urge to tell her, "hey, I would love to give you some change but I am broke as well. " Actually, I had money in my wallet. I have saved money from my collection of cans. But I am scared to spend it.

There was a time when I bought drinks for everyone, now I am scared to spend money for a milk in case I do not find a job or they cut off my general relief. You never know what the computer will do. The lady was very polite and wished every one a nice night. A few minutes later, a man walked up and shoved a cup in someone's face.

I would like to hear comments on how people handle these situations. What the feel is a balance between
enjoying a nice night and feeling imposed upon.

I, last night, wanted to go see Nancy Jean and Kevin and Bert. Nancy said I was always welcomed at their table. If I had gone, I would have only accepted a glass of water. I would want them to know that it was they I wanted to see and not a free drink.

These are the topics that I would love to talk about on Skid Row Broadcasting, my internet television channel. I believe these discussions can be productive and I would welcome a discussion with Anonymous.

I mentioned that I had an unexpected ride along. I received a phone call from the officer and he wants me to speak to his officers. Of course, I will accept. It will be a first. It will be something that I hope will generate food for thought for them and for me. I know I will ask others in my position on Skid Row their opinions or thoughts on the matter, whatever it is.

I walked down the street and saw someone who works in one of the organizations that is on Skid Row selling drugs. I asked someone about it. They told me that is quite common.

I know that where I stayed for seven months, that would not be tolerated. People who were thought to be dirty were tested immeditately. I also know that employees who were tested dirty or refused to be tested were terminated immediately.

There are lots of rumors about that type of thing. Everyone has an opinion about the policy a building has or an organization that runs the building has on those matters. One organization it has been said does not care one bit as long as their rent is paid. It is said that another organization feels strongly about a healthy lifestyle and encourages that lifestyle in their operations.

These are the topics of discussion that I have heard in the last few days.

Yesterday I talked of some pain. I did not want to talk about pain. IT just surfaced. I believe it did because I am reliving some of the past because I look at where I was a year ago. A lawyer wants me to prepare of list of things for us to discuss. He needs background information so he can be efficient and productive. I willk email him a history this week. It is hard for me to go over things.

Last night I lay in my bed and really wanted to be past some things. This morning I went to a meeting and a man talked about his sister and how he stole from her many times. He was forgiven many times.

I did not steal from my sister. I hardly ever saw her. However she believes that certain things are true about me. They are not true. I do not know how to change her feeling about me. It hurts.

Our situation is more of a family that did not communicate and from that came hurt feelings and disappointments on both sides. I did not think that my sister cared one bit about my using drugs.
I did not think I was hurting her. I came to that revelation only recently that I did.

She, on the other hand, does not know how hard I fought to rid myself of that albatross. She does not know how hard my mother worked to rid herself of her baggage and how we both worked hard to learn how to talk to eachother and listen to eachother. We became the best of friends. Nobody was around for those hours of discussion.

There are rumors and gossip that circulated that my sister wants to believe. IT is unfortunate.
The only thing I say to help me is that I fought for years. My mother saw it and acknowledged it and said I was doing so good. She let me do more things. I earned her trust. My sister knows none of this.

All of those years I wanted to get to know my sister. I was always proud of her. She does not know how much pain I was in because of the schism that was there. If I did not do my part, I would not be clean today.

This morning, as I said, someone said I was doing so well. I asked him how could he say that.

He said I was standing tall, that I was poised. He said that people talk about the fact that I am still clean while others "went out". They tell me the job was not mine to have and that I must stay strong. They tell me that I must continue and that it will all come together.

I know I will try be a bridge of communication for the different segments of population with which I communicate. It comforts me while I fight my battles for employment and the unification of family.

I wish I had a computer so I can open up my channel because it has a chat room in place, ready to go.
It would not take long to have it filled with discussion.

Maybe I can make it happen. I have a video cam. I made that happen. I publish a blog. I am still clean.
I encourage others to be clean.


Two people on Skid Row received employment offers yesterday. Success stories. I want to report on those stories. I believe people need to hear about those statistics. It will give them encouragement. It give me encouragement.

Thanks for reading my dribble and drabble.

Good Afternoon, world. I love ya.

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