This is not a very up morning. I woke up at 1:00AM. I stayed awake the rest of the night. Tomorrow, I am going to see an attorney and I must relive the pain of "why".. Why is it my sister wants to believe something happened when it did not? Why does a friend not want to see me? I was told that I let him down too many times. I did not know that. Why is it that people want to believe a story that someone tells and it is not even true. My friend used to listen to James Brown alot. He died while I was in jail. It was like so much happened when I was in jail. James Brown said"Listen to the case". I thought he would always listen, to me.
It is funny. I never relapsed. I never was on and off and on and off. I just finished.
Speaking of relapse, I have talked to alot of people and it seems that there is a consensus that these organizations around here are de facto enablers. Yes, that is what I said, de facto enablers. If you relapse , you have to leave one place and go to another. It appears to be a game. I have seen people relapse and they are housed again the next day. If they stay clean, or say they are clean for thirty days, then they can return to the place where they were kicked out. Therefore, they never have to get a room and pay for it. They never have to pay for their own food.
Yesterday, I ran into Lloyd. Lloyd was a man who kept me positive the last few weeks. He moved into the Transition House around the time I left. He told me to stay positive and that I would have a job. Lloyd worked out in the patio, with daily pushups and sit ups. He told me he relapsed on Thursday. That is not true. He told me he was kicked out on Thursday.
"How long have you been getting loaded?" I asked.
"Since I first arrived. I just tried to keep it under wraps."
"So the whole time you were here you were doing drugs?", I continued.
"Why do you do it ?" I asked. I could not believe he decided to smoke. He was into being in shape and going to school. "You knew you were not going to make curfew. You knew you were going to get kicked out."
He became irritated. "I get high because I know that I can. I only enjoy the first five minutes. However, I continue to do it because I know I can. Everybody does it around here. Don't be naive, Walter. The whole set up on Skid Row is designed for you to relapse. That is how the organizations get their money. That is why they make you sign the list for meetings and when you wake up in the morning. Why do you think people keep coming back to the Transition House? They can. They do not want to pay rent. Takes away from the drug money. So we go from place to place and put on a front. We play the game of wanting to fix our lives. We do it because we can".
I was confused. his demeanor was different. He had this hard edge to him. He no longer was attempting to come across as the student of the Bible. He was pissed off that he was not at the top of his game. He never relapsed. He never stopped smoking cocaine.
Then I saw Pancho. He ran up to me. "I tricked them. I finally tricked them. I told them I was mentally ill. Look what it says."
I looked down on the piece of paper and it said that he was very Psychotic. I just looked at him. "Don't you realize that you have this label on you.?"
"I don't care. I am tired of working for the white man. Everybody does it. I don't care what they think of me. Now I can get an apartment down here for 60 dollars or so and not have to work. I am tired of working for the corrupt corporations.".
"What about those that really are in need of these services and funds? I see them all of the time. Man, they do not do anything. They get their money and kick back. Why can't I do that? Everybody does it Walt"
Dam, it is true, I thought. People resent the mentally because they receive SSI. for life. Of course it does not matter that they suffer. How can someonehave such twisted thinking? I am learning alot about life.