Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Balloons and Brilliant Lights
Yesterday was a beautiful day. It did alot of things for me, very much like what it did for me, and more, when I was with the Royce family on Thanksgiving. I was not as upset as I had been before Thanksgiving. I was more positive in my outlook. Their healthy spirit is contagious.
I could not figure out what was the qualitative difference in me after Thanksgiving. Perhaps it was the fact that I was welcomed open arms by a family. I do know that that alone had a powerful effect on me.
At the time, I just talked with Garza about doing some things together but he had to go out of town and I was, I confess, a bit nervous about facing the holidays. However, I spent the time studying. I had to be patient.
Each night I waited for the despair and gut wrenching time period to set in and it never came. "I'll be damned. It has not come tonight," was ,my delighted exclamation each night. I pushed myself to venture out of my comfort zone and broaden my horizens during this downtown experience.
During that time period, I posted many blogs. I posted them on my site and on Centralcitye..
I began to study HTML. I had no immediate success, however, one day, I began to see patterns in the programing. All of the above provided me with the confidence to push on. The despair at night never came. Where was it? "Do you feel the spirit?"
someone continued to ask me. Yes, I did. It was driving me, pushing me to unshackle myself from things known and not known.
I found the class and finally, that was in place. To my surprise, I enjoyed the class. To be honest, I wish we did not have last Friday off. I like going to the class.
I kept pushing and pushing for change inside of me. It kept coming in ways that I could not describe then but, increasingly, I am able to articulate the independent and dependent components, that, when assembled, are creating a much improved soul of a new human machine.
I would get down, at times, if the amount of visitors to my blog dropped. Increasingly, I did not worry about it. I concentrated on learning about the craft as well as the blogging industry-the trends and opportunities that growing from being involved in the phenonmenon.
Let there be no mistake. It has not all been easy. My mood has been as volatile as a growth stock in an environment of daily economic change with corresponding to
on going political and economic events. Doubt would set in and when that would happen, I would seek reassurance. Faith would fade and I needed to lean on those who had been through this process or had seen others go through it. When those times came, I put one foot in front of the other. That is the only thing one can do when that happens. You just put one foot in front of the other.
Patience is rewarded when you least expect it. I received an encouraging email from my sister. I wanted to respond immediately but I thought it best to seek advice. I feared about doing the wrong things.
I remember never paying traffic tickets. I remember ignoring things. I also remember had I built bad habits, one step at a time, one event at a time.
"Develop good habits", is what Janice said. Those words would reverberate off the walls in my brain each day. "Patience, Walter. You can handle the wait. Do it the right way. Go to court. " I had to tell myself those words in the middle of the night when I wanted to expedite things. Patience Walter. Patience. I did not want to exercise patience but I was doing it only because it would be best for everyone. In the meantime, I could work on other aspects of my development.
Knowing that I would move from the Transition House, I made hundreds of copies of material to study about the internet--podcasting, networks, wireless networks, HTML,
CSS, SQL, monetizing, analytics. You name it, I had it. I read things from time to time and wondered when I was ever going to "get it". I had to push on when I wondered if it was a waste of time.
"You are just like your father, Walter. You are becoming more like him every day. No matter what, if your father wanted to learn something, he would find a way." I remembered those words from his wife. I kept them close to me. I would pull out a section to read when I felt terrible. I could only read a page or two but I read those pages. The number of pages increased each time I picked up a new stack to study. Then I would read something on the net and I would know about it. I did not know the details but I was famiiliar with it. I could ask certain questions as I was gaining more knowledge as the pages read increased. I did not know that I was slowly getting to the point where I could integrate the pieces of scattered knowledge.
I found more internet jobs. The more I searched the luckier I became.
I still had to work through things that were holding me back but I worked through them--piece by piece.
I opened up an account at Stickam.com. I had to learn about broadcasting as I have been interested in it since I debuted on another website on my grandmothers' birthday, August 13, 2001.
I tried with Youtube. I did not know what I was doing. I did not have all of the equipment. So what. I posted the terrible videos I did anyway. I just wante the experience. I would get better.
I did an interview with someone and posted it on my video collection in downtownlabroadcasting. Everyone has liked it. It was something that I wanted to do for years. I wanted to communicate to the public about drug usage and the people that have used drugs and what they learned from it as well as what they can teach the world about it. When Tyree said "I felt like a wild animal" it was clear to me how powerful a medium this broadcasting channel was. I did some research about them. "Oh my god, they are right up the street in the 633 building across the street from the Library." I wanted to rush and complete a cover letter and resume.
I found it hard to piece together the highlights of my business career which would make my resume stand out. I agonized over it. I worked with the lady at Chrysalis.. I went through the process with her. I broke through some barriers. I still had some mental blocks in the creative process but I kept at it.
I wanted to rush the completion and walk the resume in. It was anxiety driving me rather than logic. It was fear rather than prudence. Patience Walter. Develop good habits, horizontally and vertically and then integrate them for the most effective product. Patience Walter.
I was forced to be patient as my access to computers was limited during the last few days. However, I had that success with the video interview. I touched base with my sister and opened new doors with my attorney. The patience exercised was just adjusting to the fears of the unknown in the higher level of actualization. I wanted to stay at that level. I did not wanta to backslide. Hasty execution would have meant I did not adhere to across the board lessons that were striving to instill the doctrine of 'thorough development". "Learn and understand what you are doing at each level" were the words of my sister.
I remember those words.
I went to bed last night, feeling different. I knew there was growth as the seeds had been watered for a long time. I did not know when I would have an epiphany of sorts but I knew things were germinating.
I knew I cleared away the debris of distraction that would prevent progress in areas known and not known. The room is clean. New shoes were purchased. They gave me a new feeling, and I was able to throw away the painful self images of the past that reminded me of where I was and did not reflect or display where I am at this time.
I woke up this morning. I had breakfast. I used the card that in previous months was lost among the scattered clothes and papers thrown around the room. However, now the room as clean and the card was found.
Immediately, I grabbed some papers and started to study. Lights went off in my brain like a pinball machine lighting up when points were scored. I felt the joy of sensation when one passes by a house with a tremendous spectrum of colorful Christmas lights are blinking on and off.--Clarity in the brilliance of it all.
I could not access any computers until ten o'clock this morning. While I waited in my room, I worked on my cover letter to Stickam.com. I looked up, and on the bookshelf I saw my thesaurus. A breakthrough. I discovered a creative resource. I opened it and found some words to use instead of the ususal mundane selections that people use. suddenly I saw the foundation developing of a paragraph that would inspire the reader to read more. PROGRESS. Patience and discipline was paying off. I made a dent in developing a presentation package that would hopefully land me this job at Stickam. The long process was bearing fruit. Organizing the room was bearing fruit. I cleared the mind so I could see the book that would light the imagination to create success.
Without hesitation I called Randy. I needed to contact him to arrange an appointment to get my teeth fixed. I want to totally prepared. Randy was not in but that is ok. I emailed him last week when I emailed my sister and wrote that essay for that reporter's job. Oh yes, that is in the works. However, I am too busy planting more seeds.
I walked to the library and accessed my email. There was an email from my sister.
I saw pictures of my mom and progress made on the house. I was proud of her.
I shared with her some things about stickam. I wanted to share alot more but I decided to wait and develop the plans first.
Suddenly, the pinball machine inside my head was going off like fireworks. The process of integration had begun. It was spectacular. Some of it involves my sister. It makes sense but I need to have patience. We are communicating. That is the beauty of things. I sit here and I say, "Damn, why not before?"
Well, that is simple. Walls were built that precluded that. Now we are building a different foundation. It feels good. Patient walter. Just keep pushing forward.
I came back to the Transition house. I was able to do some applications that enabled me to film, upload and publish. I was lucky he was here.
I am doing some market research while I write this blog. I am broadcasting live on downtownlabroadcasting at Stickam. I am sharing my process with the world as I have been doing with my blog. A different medium, a different process that will yield much discovery. It is something I had planned doing while I was in that guard shack all of those months. I am doing it now. Doing it now, gives me experience which opens up the brain for possibilities. I am pleased. However, I must be patient. As my sister said, I must understand everything that I am doing.I know what she meanss. I monitored my every thought and emotion when I trained for the triathlon and experienced the reduction of emotional and psychological dependency on subtances. I must have done well because I am experiencing continued success in that regard. It does not surprise me. I worked hard at it.
The skills gained from that experience are transferable. Identification and recognition are only two of them but because of the process that I have been experiencing over a long period of time, I was able to identify and apply some things that enabled me to develop a portion of a cover letter that can lead to things. Even if it does not, the process of discovery will.
Good afternoon world, I love you.