Sunday, December 2, 2007
I took this picture as I have always thought this sign interesting. It reminds me of the signs on trails in the old cowboy movies.
I took the picture of 'sister cities' because I have been thinking unusually alot about my sister--ever since I heard about Porsche.
Most people don't know what it is like to be dependent on drugs. Most people DO know what it is like to be hopelessly dependent on something. Drugs is no different.
Except it is ten times worse. Porsche had a sister and two brothers. They do not know the battle she fought. I saw it. I saw it everyday for months. I knew what she would have to go through because I went through it.
It was a battle that you have to go alone. There is no talking about it with anyone.
There is no one willing to go through it with you, or at the same pace you want to fight the battle if they are in the drug world. If they are not in the drug world,
they do not understand.
You need family and friends more than anything in the world. However, you do not know what to say. What can you say. It is more than anything you can imagine.
You have lost confidence in everything inside of yourself. You have lost confidence in alot of people because you see how they look at you like you are beneath them.
In Los Angeles, that is something that is characteristic of the plastic society that comes from being in the land of Hollywood.
Don't get me wrong. I love Hollywood but there are certain truths that are self evident. You see the worse in people. You see the ugly gossip side of the Los Angeles character. You see people that have empty lives and the only way they can fill up their cup is to try to empty your cup. You see that alot on Skid Row.
However, it is not have as vicious on Skid Row as it is in the civilized neighborhoods that comprise the city of Angels.
I battled it tooth and nail for years. I was determined to win it. It was definitely a fight to the death. Either I was going to die or I was going to kill whatever that was inside of me--that malignancy that had taken over my life. I was determined to seek out every vestige of my prey and destroy it. Nobody knew that.
Nobody saw that except for the people in the world of drugs that new I was changing my life and encouraging them to change theirs.
I did not have time to try to seek out my long life friends. I knew what they thought. I did not have time to convince them. It did not matter if they had been in the world of drugs or if they introduced me to drugs. People forget fast.
You see and experience the worse. It does not matter that you took the blame for things to cover someone's ass. They forget fast. You experience the worse and feel the pain for it.
Porsche went through that. She was someone's sister. She was lost and tried to find herself. I was lost and I was terrified when I realized how lost I was.
I did not care. I was going to find my way back. I was going to find my way.
I had the tools to do it. She did not. She counted on an environment to shield her from attacks on her progress.
I know she cried many nights. I cried many nights. People joke at you. People think it is funny to make remarks behind your back because they are so insecure with themselves. You see it all.The good, the Bad and the ugly.
I saw it all today, in living color. The Midnight Mission was having a fund raiser.
men escorted the invitees to the door. Two men were escorts. One was sincere about his recovery or rebuilding process and the other was the biggest lier on Skid Row.
Both lived at the Mission. The liar puts every one in that program in danger. It is clear he is a liar. IT is clear he mocks the program and the people in it.
You see it all. The good the bad and the ugly.
You feel the burden lift inch by inch. Month after Month. You feel things inside that you forgot were there to feel. It did not come easy. Self Research. Self Monitoring. Painstaking honesty about every aspect of my life, alone, at night with one self. Where ever you end up at night is where you end up. You may be at peace, at that plateau or you may be in hell. You deal with it.
Porsche dealt with it for a long time. She had brothers and a sister. She dealt with it alone, in the bowels of Skid Row.
People who are here, trying to find themselves, are doing it under the most strenuous of circumstances. Every few feet stands a piranha, of the drug selling variety. They must navigate that. I did not have to go through that. I did it at home alone. It took a long time. My mother was proud of me. "You MATURED right in front of my eyes" she said.
I got news for you mom. I MATURED right in front of my own eyes. IT is a good thing I did because then all hell came on me. If I did not go through the pain of to gain freedom with the drug, I never would have been able to withstand the pressure of this.
I look at this situation on Skid Row. They do not know. They do not know what it really takes to clean this up. They do not know what it takes to provide the support that someone like Porsche needed. There was no excuse for her not to receive help.
Porsche had brothers and a sister. These places do not consider that. People love her and loved her. She is more than just a tool for fund raising. She is a women who has needs and who have people that hurt when she hurts.
You see it all. the good the bad and the ugly.
I think of eveything I learned about myself training for that triathlon-everything that helped me kill that malignant tumor of my spirit. I am glad I did. I was so busy fighting it and seeing the ugly, that I did not see the REAL UGLY coming at me.
I talk to these students. I will talk to them whenever I am needed. It is nothing new. Done it all of my life. But I am free now. I have a fullness in my delivery.
IT does not matter if the bad and the ugly does not believe it. I know what the truth is. My mother knows what the truth is. Sooner or later, my sister will. I have a sister as well. I fought that battle for her as well. She did not know it. We did not talk. But I did not fight it for myself.
That is what these organizations need to understand. People down here are numbers to them. They are statistics. However they are more than that to their families.
Los Angeles has this huge sign about sister cities. Does it have a real relationship with any of them. Do these organizations have real relationship with those who are counting on their guidance and support?
I have a sister. I fought my battle to have a relationship with my sister. I have seen the good, bad and ugly and have felt it. Older brothers do that.
Porsche's could not do it for her.