Friday, December 21, 2007
one hell of a day.
it is one of those days. this morning was tough. real tough. I was in the computer lab of the STRIVE program. Either the computers did not work or the sites were blocked on the few that did work. Frustrating. What was I supposed to do. The Christmas spirit was in the air at the Transition House. I was glad for everyone.
Walking out of the facility it suddenly hit me. It hit me so hard I stopped walking and my legs buckled. I had to hold onto the wall so I would not fall. I had a heart attack. It was not of the physcial nature. It was of the emotional nature.
It seized my soul and would not let go. It gripped me tighter than a vice clamp.
I burst out crying, "I want to go home. I want to go home." "God, please let me go home." Unashamed, I kept yelling those words. "IT is Christmas, please let me go home." People saw me. People were worried about me. I did not stop to talk.
I had to keep going. I had to accomplish one thing. My sister said do one good thing for myself each day. She is not aware that I listened to her. She does not have a clue.
West on 5th street, was my heading. I was so tempted to walk straight to the Advanced Video Systems office on 5th st at the US Bank building. That is where the office is for Stickam.com. They are looking for Marketing Associates. Stickam
is the company which allowed me to embed the video player on my previous blog posting so people could view the interview I did with a person from Skid Row who had relapsed.
When I first started to blog, Eric Richardson of blogdowntown, said to me, "I would be interested in your story. So many people hear of recovery but what do they really know about it. You could explain it as you live it."
That launched my blogging career. Every person builds their life in a different way. Tyree, the person, with whom I had the interview, shared his journey-one that sent him back into the streets.
I always wanted to have a video player embedded on my blog. I want to post videos everyday. I do not have the equipment capabilities. However, I have the desire.
I did that first interview and it was emotional for me. I always wanted to do a documentary about drug usage. 7 years ago I started my own live stream channel on earthcamtv.com. It has sinced changed to showcam.com
Showcam did not have audio. The technology was not there. Stikam.com has the technology. One can go live or record and upload. You can use their players on any website. It is by far the best I have seen in the 6 years that I have been interested in this activity.
I believe the technology can be used for entertainment and to increase public awareness on serious issues as well. My interview with Tyree proved to me how wonderful the medium is.
I was on my way to Chrysalis when I started crying. I was on my way to complete
an online job application for one firm and to complete my resume for stikcam. It is the only internet firm that does not require an intense technical background and I can do the job they need done.
Finally, I arrived, distracted and desperately praying that I could get something accomplished. I already missed the nice lady who has been working with me on my resume. There was another appointment on the calendar and I did not want to miss that. There was a chance for some short term employment.
Quickly, I sent off some emails. It was necessary to feel I was productive. I usually hear back from all to whom I sent an email, except my sister. I did not hear back from any of them as of this writing.
With that done, I had to decide what to do. I wanted to complete my resume for Stickam but I did not think I should hurry it.
Instead, it would be more prudent to advance where, at least, an employer and an interesting one at that, was waiting for me to follow up with more information about myself. It was another on line firm. They are an online newspaper. I had to answer some questions.
There was no point in procrastinating. I wanted to draft out some answers but that would take forever. Instead, I started typing. It was not what I planned but I was satisfied. I, at least did it. I did not think of rejection, my teeth or anything except getting it done. Alas, my hat was in the employment ring. If they call within a few days as, they say they will, it would be a pleasant surprise. however, they said they would do that when I first applied. I heard from them a month later.
Yes, it felt good to accomplish that. I am one step closer to something--a yeah or a nay. AT least, I am closer. That was the point of doing it. I have to keep getting closer in many processes. There was a time when I could not stand to wait a day or so. I would agonize. I thought my total fate was in the hands of whoever had an application from me.
Tyree, who relapsed, had his demons. Mine have been so much different.
There was no time to do the resume at Chrysalis. They closed at 12. Today is Friday. The computer at the building is on the blink and the computers at the Transition House were not functioning.
I used to hate Fridays as the weekend would grant me limited access to computers.
I did not think of that today. I only ached to be with my family. The ache would appear out of nowhere. It was sharp and intense. I guess it is what is felt if a woman is in labor when there are suprise kicks.
I walked around and then landed at the Transition House again. Robert, a friend of mine, saw me and immediately stopped what he was doing to talk to me.
"Walter, do not feel sad. Your mom is safe and she knows you want to be there. YOu can not be there but one day, when you go home, you will not have to leave."
"How do you know that?" I asked him, tears running down the side of my face.
"Because you are doing all of the right things. Look how far you have come. You get so upset about that job you did not get because of the hernia. However, if you got that job, more than likely, you would not have grown in your writing and publishing. You would not have developed your blog, or whatever it is you call it.
You have grown so much and everyone here is amazed at the things you are exposing them to. Internet television. You talked about it. You dreamed about it. You are doing it. Yes you are having problems with equipment but so what. You have shown them that it can be done. Your sister will know it soon."
My head turned sharply. "How? She does not read it. She does not know I have two channels on the internet. She knows nothing about skidrowbroadcasting.com or
"She will know, Walter. Have a little faith. It is tough on you but so what. You have come so far. I have seen how much you have grown. I have seen how much you have fought to grow and how much you have fought for others to grow.
Your time will come."
I turned and walked out. I came here to the Little tokyo library. I started writing. Then I went back to the Transition House because I could upload some pictures. I could do that only because the computer teacher could change the filters for a few minutes. I left the library, went all the way back to the transition house and uploaded the pictures.
"Are we going live again, WAlter?" "Are you going to interview somebody again."
Questions flew at me as I walked in. The teacher just shook his head. "That is all they have been talking about walter. they want to see you broadcast. They cant believe you broadcasted all over the world from Skid Row."
I did for a few minutes and a few viewers came on to watch. The teacher had to leave so I came back here to finish my post. I have pictures uploaded for the next couple of days. I took pictures of this Library, here, in Little Tokyo. I took pictures of the garden at this library. Now everyone can see where I spend alot of my time trying to maintain my blog.
I am dedicated to my blog. I am dedicated to the process. I have few readers but I cherish all of them. They keep me strong. They keep me striving.
Do you know how much I wanted to have a interview on a video player embedded in my blog. I dreamed of that ALL YEAR. I felt I should post it first on Centralcitye
because Garza spent alot of time teaching me the ins and outs of the blogging world.
He led the way.
None the less, I had to put a video on my blog. I felt so professional when I did it. I want to continue to grow in that regard. Video interviews. Video news segments.
Don will have a few more posted on Skidrowbroadcasting.com soon.
So you can see that walking around and searching for computers has kept me together, emotionally. I did the essay and now I only have to do the resume and cover letter for Stickam. Of course I want it to be perfect. It would be nice to get the job.
It would be nice to move forward with an internet career that pays me to do marketing.
However, I must wait. I must continue the process. It is a discipline for which I have grown to have much respect, this past year.
I must keep planting seeds and watering them. Something will come my way. Keep the process going. It would be nice to work for a company that runs the company from which my broadcasts come. They would be paying me to learn and grow and promote their company. I do now. Skid Row loves Stickam.
good night world I love you.