Tuesday, November 27, 2007
BEAUTIFUL LIGHTS AND LIGHTS COME ON INSIDE OF ME
This is the Triforium. It is the controversial piece of public art of which I wrote a couple of days ago. About 50 people gathered at the base of the structure to honor the birthday of the man, Joseph Young, who created this piece. Family members were there and were presented a City Proclamation from City Councilwoman
Jan Perry. Personally, I love the colorful lights. I plan to use the beautiful piece of art as a permanent part of my blogsite. (As soon as I figure out how to do it.)
I started to delete my piece on "black on black killings" this morning. I believe that it was too angry. After much consideration, I have decided to leave it up. I do not want the message to be lost but the writing was a signal of something.
First, it was a snapshot of where I was mentally and emotionally, a sum total of a mixture of events that have occurred and effected me. Secondly, I was angry at myself. Yes, people, I was angry. I was angry and happy at myself.
I was angry because no matter how unfair I believed the court system was to me, I had to take responsibility to how I contributed to my situation. I gave everyone the reason to look at only the surface. "Oh, he did drugs. We do not have to look any further than that." I gave people that easy out. Therefore, I am mad at that. I am glad because I have the honesty with self, as I have alwasy have had, to admit it to myself and to my readers.
Furthermore I have not registered for those classes yet because some new information came my way. The information allowed me to wallow in vascillation, something that I had grown comfortable with over the years, though I hated it. It was a known quantity. Moving forward is still, largely a unknown quantity. I have to push myself to feel it, to embrace it and accept it and stay at the center of that continuum.
I will register this morning and begin a new step of moving forward. I am glad I
had that tantrum. IT was a tantrum with self.
Plus I discovered something. I had not talked to my new circle of friends in a few days. I had not talked to Kevin, Jose and Garza. It was the first time in a while.
I was standing on my own, I guess. I increased my strength to do that. I did not recognize that until someone told me they were moving out of here. The person was with me at the Transition House. I did not immediately think to myself that someone else is leaving,"Oh God, what will I do?" That was the first sign of what was going on underneath my skin.
I did wake up and began to study more about google analytics and websites in general. I am beginning to see that this blogsite is a learning ground for many things. It is not the end all, be all of my life. It is a stepping stone.
Oh yes, the lady was not there at 5 o'clock yesterday. I was going to speak to her about a potential job. I guess that played a part in my frustration. It is important that I recognize everything.
Setbacks are a part of things. Being put on hold is a part of things. Putting oneself on hold is a BIG part of things.
I said it was important that I learn and study while garza has been gone. I did not realize how important that was. I have grown alot since he left. I grew alot within. I am more secure in my new whatever. It is a process and I chose to share that process--the good, bad and ugly with people It will begin to show in several ways.
Good Morning world, I love you