Friday, November 16, 2007

My Mom, episodes, my sister's perceptions

I did not sleep too well. Thinking about the upcoming Times interview brings back opens up wounds that are trying to heal. I have to keep remembering things. Furhermore, each day, as I come out of shock and thaw out, I remember more and more. Things that are important in some ways but not in others. I feel things are important because they can help other people, other families, but they may not be viewed that way.

I woke up feeling the same way about the Times. I feel they and other members of the media have a responsibility to learn about societal ills and educate the public. Therefore, these ills will not turn into a terrible malignancy. I am not indicting them. I just want them to utilize their tremendous human and technical resources to learn and teach.

I still think they can do it. In fact, I believe that they can much better now than in the past.
It is up to them.

I learned alot about opportunity cost doing drugs. I could not change certain things until my mother let me and I realized after changed that she let me after I proved to her I was able.
I was making those changes when all of this happened.

I saw a lady who did not recognize someone yesterday. The person, who was not recognized was in tears. " How can she not remember me, sir, I just saw her yesterday? " was her question.
"She needs to remember me. I have news for her. " She wept and walked away as I began to weep inside.

Yes, dear lady, I had the same need for my mother to recognize me that day when she did not. That fateful day when she did not know it was I standing outside of the car door and the police thought I was stealing the car. A tragedy . Cost me my life and our tremendous closeness.

Yes, dear lady, I understand. I needed her to remember but she didn't and nobody wanted to ask me the truth. Now, she can't see me. I must keep writing because what I believe is this.

Many men and women of my parents age hold things in. It was the custom of the times in which they grew up, "old school". However, they begin to express themselves when they get older. I was able to learn about my grandfather the last couple of years. My mother did not know her father but what she knew, she finally told me. She knew I craved to learn about my family, and myself. You see, I did not know my family history. It was too painful for my parents to tell me. What I know is painful. Very painful to hear.

I probably lost the chance to learn more about myself. The courts won't let me. I do not want anyone to lose the opportunity to learn about things. Like in Golden Pond, The fondas learned about each other.

Alzheimer's is something that can strike at any moment. It can put people in danger who are with the alzheimer's victim if their is a flash back or if the person does not remember someone close to them. It may happen only for a few minutes. It may change things for life.

A friend of mine told me, I may not win in court. But the truth will be how I live my life. and I live my life with honor and dignity. I must be telling something of the truth because in a land of drugs and abuse. I walk clean. I live clean. I use nothing to dull the pain of my hurt.

I want people to believe me. Each day I am Walter, is a day where one must ask, maybe what he says needs to be considered. How many men and women of our parents age may get alzheimer's? It can put people at risk. Not only can fear come when a person doesnt recognize a person, They may tell one person one thing and another person another thing. My mom could have been saying things to my sister. She said things to me about my sister. I just lived with my mother and I saw the increasing embellishment of reality in her daily reality.

Alzheimer's victims can forget that water is on in the house. They can pick up papers that they do not feel are important and tuck them away in drawers. My mother did that. She would go in my room and see things and pick them up like I was a little kid. I would search for papers and could not find them. Important papers. Sometimes I did not know if she was being controlling and playing games. I could not identify when an "episode"was taking place.

Alzheimers victims can forget when cigarettes are burning if they lay them down. At the end, my mother would lay them down and I would always spot them across the room. She would say
"Walter, you are sharp." That was one of those things that gave her confidence in me. I would make my rounds every hour to see if she left something on.

Alzheimers victims can forget when the gas stoves are on. My mom would do that all of the time. Once, I was at USC swimming. I came back and the oven was on. She burned a turkey.

I would catch all of these things. Once I was taking a shower and my sister came in the house. My mother had left something in the stove and forgot about it. My sister lectured me about it.
It furthered gave her reason to believe I was not doing things. She was wrong. I would find 99 out of 100 things, like ovens on, cigarettes burning, water running. I would have found the 100th thing but I was in the shower. I had not come out yet. I had a system, as soon as I came out of the shower, make my rounds.

My sister thought I wanted locks on doors because of cocaine paranoia. Far from it. I wanted locks on my door because my mother would pick up my important papers. I could not find them and she would not remember picking them up or she would not want to tell me because she would have to acknowledge that she was snooping. She was always like that. lots of mothers were like that.

It bothered me when I did drugs. I ignored it when I began to leave drugs alone. Plus mom liked reading my writings. I just left them out for her to read.

Once I needed my diploma because I had a job offer. They wanted a copy of it. She would not give it to me. I thought she was being controlling. MY MOM WAS SCARED THAT IF I GOT A JOB, I WOULD LEAVE HER.

I was ranting about it, in my room, alone, when my sister walked in. I was ranting about news I heard on the television. About Iraq. The war. My sister misconstrued why I was upset.

My sister came into the house twice in months. Once the oven was on and once I was upset. Two days out of 365 and she thought I was unfit and paranoid.

Lack of communication and understanding of the history of the developmetn of my mother'
condition and what I was doing with my life. Her personal resentments led to her perceptions.
It is not her fault. But people learn from this. please.

Communicate. I guess that is why I want the Times to learn and communicate. That is why one of my new vent ures will be good. It will communicate things that people need to ask questions about to gain a foothold of understanding about alot of things. You learn about alot of socetal ills in one spot while on Skid Row. It is a laboratory of our societal dilemnas.

Good morning world. I love you.

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