Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Dam, I lost it.

I am so mad at myself I do not know what to do. I was so busy trying to write my blog that I put my phone on the floor. I forgot it. The chances are that no one is going to turn it in.

Dam. I flunked the test. Not a drug test but the survivor test. I submitted job applications. I have projects I am launching. My support network that I built up is on that phone. How can I be so neligent.

I forgot. I forgot that I lived in a den of thieves. "Do not jump to conclusions, " I say.
do not assume. Do not look at the surface. Do not be like others when they did that to you. It was turned in previously. Maybe lightening will strike twice.

However, the person that found it was not on drugs. It has come to my attention that a lot of people in this building are smoking cocaine again. You can not even leave your door open when you go to the bathroom. Dam.

How am I going to handle it. I have only 500 dollars. IF I spend the money, I will only have 400. If I spend the money and the phone is turned in, I wasted the money. If I wait I have communication issues. If a prospective employer calls me, I do not have the phone. Dam.

Another test. Another test to see what I will do. There are tests every second on Skid Row.
It is a mine field that must be navigated in every possible way. I relaxed for one minute and
look what I have to deal with and at the same time I must not stop my daily curriculum or daily regiment of activity to progress in life.

A den of thieves, it is. Be patient Walter. Do not be like that. It is hard to not be like that because I know alot more than I have been saying. I know that so many people in these buildings are smoking cocaine. I know that people who are not suppose to be selling drugs are selling drugs.

A setback. A setback of discipline. One second of relaxation has cost me. IF nothing else it costs me anxiety. I am incurring tremendous opportunity cost because I am thinking about this and what I may have to do when I could be planning how to navigate the next step on Skid Row.

What is the next step? The next minute is the next step. Sometimes, it is the next second.
I relaxed in a den of thieves. Be patient Walter.

I tell myself that but I see too many men bringing in women off of the streets into the building.
T hey have to pay these women to have sex. These women need money. They want money.
They can buy drugs and necessities with money. However, they will settle for drugs. They will accept the drugs that are given to them in the hope of stealing some more for extra cash they feel they believe is owed to them . Calculate it as "humiliation fee".
Calculate it as "demeaning fee". If they get caught you will know. whenever you see a women with a black eye or busted lip, they have been caught in a drug/sex dispute.

There are hard costs and soft costs in the world of "survival sex".

Dam I lost the damn phone. I saw people go in the room also. If you approach them, they will deny it. This is a drug zone. Currently, in his drug zone, there is a wave of relapse going on.
It is an epidemic and we have not even started the holidays.

dam ,walter. How are you going to handle this. You will survive it. That is how you will handle it. You will harness your focus on do what you have to do. That is how the survivors do on skid row. The ones that don't focus on what needs to be, dwell too much on what they did not do. That is how I punished myself for years. It won't happen again.

I am preparing myself, as I type, to give up 100. I hate it. That is how you move on. You not only plan to do something.


good morning world, I luv ya. and mad at myself. Dont trip. gilbert said. Dont trip

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