I posted five blogs today and I am posting another. I realize what is best for me is to keep writing. I forget that I wrote non-stop for years. I wrote when I was reviewing my life. I picked apart every aspect of it and analyzed it. Sometimes it would be painful yet so soothing after I finished. I was fearless at it. I was fearless in facing my fear. I did it simultaneously while I was training for the triathlon. The more I wrote, the more I trained and studied.
What did I study? I studied everything I could get my hands on. math. science. history. the dictionary. the thesaurus. sports. body mechanics. physics. the relationship of all of these things to eachother. I loved it. I was healing myself. I was doing what i always wanted to do.
I wrote in jail, all day long. I wrote in the Transition House, all day long. It was different in all of those cases than it is now. Why, because people read my writing. I must becareful to write for me. If I write for me, the audience will receive something from it. If I write for the public, the audience will not get anything from it. If I grow from my writing, everyone will hopefully grow a little tiny bit from reading it as I grow from reading the work of others.
I wrote so much I stopped doing cocaine.
There were times when I felt I was on the verge of a big break through, an epiphany of sorts.
I kept going and, invariably, clarity did come. First it came in small pieces and then it came in larger pieces.
Clarity became much like a pinball machine with the ball bouncing off of the buffers and ringing points. It seems like my mind is bouncing all over the place. I am cutting away new territory.
The outline of this territory and I are very well acquainted. Now, I am digging deeper. I am at the precipice of a beginning and I feel the possibilities.
I pretty much do not care what I write because I must be honest with myself. IF I am honest with myself with the world watching then I can examine everything. It is sort of like taking an exam. Maybe a business professor will see it and say, hmm, he needs to look at this. Maybe an artist will say I need to look at that. maybe a real estate person will say that I need to look at something else. ad infinitem. I feel those levels of details and extensions swirling through my system.
That is why I came down here to the central library. I am fearless in my pursuit. Garza is gone. Certain people with whom I communicate are unavailable. Instead of being in my room
I am here typing and keyboarding away the clutter in my creative and organizational being.
I want to get somewhere. History hasa proven that I can do it this way.
I read two things today. Two energies that I fed upon all day. One passage said my time has come. Another said something was interesting. I keep reading both of the passages. Their respective writers have an aura about themselves that is transmited through their words.
I feel them and I respect their powers of insightful perception. I am honored at what they say.
They add to the comments of others that go back to what my mother said a few years ago,
"Walter, keep writing." It started with her and continued on in jail. Actually it started with people with whom I chatted years ago. I would describe things to them so they would get a clear picture of what I was trying to convey. They said I could write. I built upon that. If they were lying to me, I did not care. I was building confidence. No doubt, it was the confidence that had been eroding inside of me over the years. No doubt it was the confidence that I needed to rebuild in order to stop the self destructive path of substance abuse.
So I came here. I was hoping to see an email, but I do not see it. I was hoping to have something, be visible so the work would be easy. However, it is not the time for laziness. It is the time to do what is necessary to forge ahead. It is the time to stand tall and do what is necessary to believe, to go for it? What is it? It is whatever I want and need. This is the time for everyone to bellieve in themselves. People need to believe that they can achieve. Whatever it is. They can find peace inside if they want it. They can save money if they want to do that.
They can lose weight if they want to do that. They can smile everyday if they want to do that.
So I am here, writing and feeling. I am analyzing different variables, putting them in a matrix and extending out the possibilities. I am trying to figure out the best way to do something. I am making ground but I must harness this energy. I must not only have focus. It is paramount
that I have PIN-POINT FOCUS. I need to open up myself and allow myself to be afraid and at the same time feel the fierce determination t that is within. Rather primal actually.
one moment I apply for a job on a website. I finish that and I look at another website to get an idea. I look at different blogs for information. Do I know what I am looking for? Many times, no. But I do know one thing, I will know it when I see it.
This is a time when I hate to go home. I hate the fact that I have no computer and I have no internet. I can not write. I can not study. I can not CREATE. I can not forge ahead.
I change the screen and I jot down some notes to ad to the business plan. I curse myself for not knowing someplace where I can go to use the computer until I pass out. This is when Skid Row is 100 percent impetent for progress. You can not have visitors after 5 oclock in most places on Skid Row. If you have a visitor, it will cost you 4 dollars. That is the way it is. I am sure one of the reasons it started was so that the drug consumption would be minimized. I am not sure that it was successful. However, those are the rules. One day, I was in a room, working on my idea and it was 5 minutes to 5PM. I had to stop what I was doing and dash for the exit. IF I stayed, then I would have to pay the 4 dollars.
So I am here, and -------whoa------an idea just came to my head. I have to put it on my notes.
hold, one minute. BRB.
Yes, that is how it works for me. I type and something pops up. It might take all day but that one little something helps me move forward that much. ---that bit of progress was due to
Downtown Chick. She has no idea that she has pushed me a little bit closer to a goal.
You know, this thing about which I have been talking. I used to sit in the guard shack and write and write and suddenly an idea would come up. Suddenly a piece would come to my mind that would allow me to tie my idea a little tighter.
I would sit down and put myself in the seat of a venture capitalist and dream up questions so I could anticipate obstacles and hurdle them...................... Dam, I just checked my email. nothing is there.
back to the process. Oh yes. There is nothing on Skid Row at night that can propel a person forward. The Transition house has a computer lab. I am grateful for it. I am grateful they let me use it. but now my needs are such where I have to do research. I have to assemble. I have to produce, I have to apply for jobs. I have to reach for the stars.
This is what my time downtown is about. I have no choice. My back is up against the wall. Downtown is undergoing a renaissance and so will I. I see clearly what I want to do. IT is right there. I just have to pull it together. I have to tie the strings tight. I have to tie the strings tight as I cover my ass. I have to tie the strings tight while I comply with requirements; the court, the residence and whatever else that comes my way. Life's demands. Emotional demands.
I just started another screen. I am working on the operating plans for two different websites.
How do I do it? I write in the compose section of my emails and I save it to draft. I can not use my 'flash' drive at the library so I must use my emails. One must be creative when one wants to package a presentation on Skid Row.
I stop and look at Garza's blog. Damn, how could I have missed it before. I see he posted the video where he talked to Jose. Good. And good that the quality of the video was good. I trust that the audio was good as well. Good that he talked about Downtown News. Gives me a little more to work on with respect to an idea. Makes sense. Makes damn good sense.
I double check with somebody about Downtown news today. They have been on my mind all day.
I called him up.
"Hey, did you tell me you had an unpleasant experience with them?" I asked.
"Yes, I told you that, walter". Something did not feel right.
"Do you know Sue Laris? ?" I asked. I read about her on her web page. I saw where her interests lay.
"No, I did not. Who is she?" he asks me. I am thinking, you do not know who she is and you wanted to know business with the newspaper. Even if did not talk with her I would have to know who she was. IT is a matter of doing good research.
"I dealt with Elizabeth."
"did you deal with her directly or was there an intermediary?" I asked. That was the most important question and that would tell me everything that I had to know about his dealings and the potential for my own for me and my friend.
"I had an intermediary walter,". I will be damned, I said to myself. I thought so. The people with whom he dealt could have told him anything to cut him out of the picture and blame it on downtown news. I have seen that happen many times. When you are a broker, you see alot of difference in information as the layers between the principals decrease and increase.
"Then you really dont know if they were unpleasant or not, do you?" .
"NO, walter, I do not."
Some one who claims to be a potential business partner of downtown news is actually selling them out. amazing. this was a while ago. but the point is made. find things out for myself.
I worked through some more weeds. I feel good. I need to talk with garza.
time is up.
good night world, I love you